I Truely Love Him

Graphics for I Love You Comments

Ok so I wrote a little while ago about the one year anniversary... Nothing bad about my baby... But he read it and told me he felt bad... So this is what I have to say about the anniversary after the fact. We had the most wonderful anniversary ever! He gave me the most amazing love letter. And a little after the anniversary he gave me a watch set. It's so cute. Perfect for me.

All I have to say is...

I LOVE HIM!

Stealing the Thunder...

Ok so I feel horrible about this... The one year is tomorrow... My poor baby went crazy trying to figure out what to give me. And I won't lie, no matter what he gives me or doesn't give me, he's the most perfect boy in all the world. The problem I'm having is not with his gift to me or mine to him... I have no problem with me trying to give him the world and him only just loving me, if that's what it ended up being. It's not like that and is not about anything like that. It's about me... And not being able to even have a little thunder to brag about. And I feel most horrible about it because I shouldn't need to be able to brag or show any body up. My life is fairly decent at the moment and I shouldn't have to have something that's better than anyone else...

But I thought that I was going to be able to brag about this one... I wanted to be able to brag about our one year... I wanted something to show off... I didn't really care if I didn't get anything... Because even if I didn't get anything I still wanted to just brag at how I made it to one year... But then my girlfriend at work is about to go off to Germany to visit her on-and-off boyfriend. And we all know that's she's only going over to get engaged. Which means she's going to come back early next week and start bragging and showing off the ring... And then there's goes my little thunder of one year...

I can't get any bragging rights to myself. I can't get any idea to myself... I'm the one who gets the idea first... And someone else comes around and swoops in just to say it was their idea. Why doesn't anyone listen to when I say it first? It just frustrates me to no end. It really shouldn't bother me to the extent it does. But we are talking about all the time. I can never have anything just to myself... Hmph...

Oh well... Maybe next time...

The One Year!

So I did say I was going to post about this... So I am... The wondrous event is this coming Friday. That's right, only three days away.

It's kind of scary thinking that it's already been a year together. A full year... I've never made it to a full year... It feels stranger because of the fact that the feelings I have for him haven't faded over the year either... We are as crazy about each other as we were the first two weeks we were together... And we still can't keep our hands off each other or be away from the other for very long... It's the greatest feeling in the world being with him! And I don't want anything to change.

So now for the good stuff... My gift to him was to take him out this past Sunday to a wrestling pay-per-view. It was awesome. The whole night was on me... Perfect night out with him. Tons of pictures...

Now for the bad... He's been having the most difficult time getting a present for me. He's the cutest thing about it though... He wants his present to me to be more perfect than the present I gave to him. Only problem is he's making me feel like I'm high maintenance and a very large pain in the butt. He's forgetting that the main thing that makes whatever he gets me perfect is the fact it came from him. And now I don't want anything at all... I'm starting to feel guilty about the whole idea... I don't want to be any trouble to him and I'm starting to feel selfish and horrible. I just want him to be happy... I didn't think he would over think a small thing like this.

I feel horrible... I said I did want something I could show off that was from him... I didn't think it would be so hard. No matter what he gets me, I'm going to love the fact that it came from him... Now I don't want anything... I feel as guilty as can be about the whole thing.

I don't know what to say or do about it... He's perfect the way he is now...

The Topic of Love

Once again the topic of love has arisen in my life... There's a lot going on that tests and questions love... My one year with my boyfriend is at the end of the week. And I have a philosophy professor who thinks love is the rarest thing on earth. It's a toss up of good vs. evil...

I'm the most excited and the happiest person on earth at this point with our one year. I'll have to post about the issues with anniversaries a little later... Or at least the issues that have arisen with this anniversary... But over all... No matter how much of a pain I or him are for the other, I genuinly think we are in love at this point. It's hard for me to make it to a year with the ease that we have had over the year. With how much trouble I am, it seems like I'm never worth a little pain. But my boyfriend has shown that he thinks I am worth a little struggle. That the love we have for each other is worth a whole lot of struggle. (Don't worry. I've most definatly tested that theroey out a number of times with him.)

But my professor has questioned love to the highest degree. He obviously does not think love ccan be achieved. Not exactly the best class for someone with the amount of issues with love as I do. I have questioned every inch of every love any one has ever said they have for me. I mean I questioned every boyfriend... Every friend... Even every family member... So I already know I'm not the most loved person in the world. I'm far from it. But I know my mother loves me. (At least I hope so) But the professor would have me believe that she doesn't just for the sheer fact that sometimes she doesn't always do what is “good” for me. But I know she loves me in her own sadistic way...

It brings a question to everything... Is there even love out there... I've battled that question for years now and I'm not about to give up on the idea that there is... And the fact that I think I found it...

Couldn't Sleep...

I couldn't sleep... Too many issues and stress bothering me. Ok so it's mainly only one problem I can't seem to get my mind off of. My boyfriend's family and his work... It turns out that his dad thinks that I'm making his work seem worse than it really is... That I'm putting ideas in his head and making it out to be more horrible than it really is. After how many times I've supported my boyfriend and told him not to do anything rash? After listening to my boyfriend rant and rave everyday about how horrible they treat him and I have to calm him down the entire time?! 

It's so not cool... I told my boyfriend over and over calm down, breath, stick with this until you get something else. He's working so hard and hating every minute. It's not fair that his parents just dismiss what he says because they just think that it's coming from me. So now they don't think he can think for himself? That his thoughts are his own? Just because they don't go along with what they think... Why is it that no one can have a mind of their own, they all have to agree with eachother? 

I've listened to my boyfriend threaten to walk into the boss's office and yell and scream and just walk off the job. And of course being the good girlfriend I am (sarcasim) I've talked him out of it. Talked him out of being unprofessional. Tried to keep him calm and collected all throughtout the day. I mean let's look at this... When I'm not around to keep him at least partially sain... He gets a phone call at 4AM and ends up telling the guy he's working for he's a complete idiot and that it's his fault the server system doesn't work the way it should. Ok Ok so I'm probably not the only reason my boyfriend hasn't quit or the reason he blew up at one of his managers. But I helped to keep him cool under pressure... 

But I'm also one to not keep my mouth shut when his parents are playing off his job like nothing's wrong. They under estimate just how much of a pain his work can actually be. They also under estimate how much I know the system. His mother has commented on "You need to understand..." "If the economy was better..." I know first hand what's going on with the economy. I'm the one working in a similar feild as my boyfriend. I'm the one feeling the economy more than his parents are. But me being as dumb as I am stick up for my boyfriend and tried to explain that a job like that is not worth it. But I'm the one shooting myself in the foot because they don't see how much I've said to stick it out. They only seem me trying to make them see it my boyfriend's way. But of course since that's not how they want my boyfriend to think, that's obviously not his own thoughts... It has to be me feeding him ideas... 

I don't need the added stress of my boyfriend's parents thinking that I'm a horrible influence and that everything I do is wrong... I have my own family for that... Why is it that no matter how hard I try, I always seem to get myself shafted... I really tried this time... Fail! 

My Work Fustrations

So all three of us girls at work use to sit in the same area at work. One of them moved right outside the boss's office inorder to get more design work (I've already posted about that). Now the boss thought it would be a good idea to move the other girl and our superviser closer to the group. (We've had some cuts in staffing, so there is a large gap between where we all were and the rest of the group). Also the guy who sits behind me (the one that was hired to do my job but I never saw a reduced work load) was fired (via email) so he's no longer working behind me. Which leaves me all by my lonesome in the corner... Where I like it...

I have so much paper work and tons of files. I've situated my computer so that no one comes up behind me and scares the heeby geebies out of me. I do not feel the urge to move what so ever...

Now that they have the other girls and my superviser really close to them, the rest of the managers are now pestering me to move as well. I do not see the need. I do not work under them or report to them in any way what so ever.

The managers here sometimes tend to have a power ego. They all think that they are the boss whenever the boss is out of the office, and sometimes when he's in the office. But I have gotten the option from the boss himself, that if I would like to move I can and if I would like to stay I can. The managers just don't like the idea that they can't seem to play 'boss man' with me. I have the boss above them and the boss above my boss to answer to. They can't touch me. Yet they continue to try...

Everytime they walk past its... "Are you sure you're not too lonely?" "Do you want me to put in a recommendation for the boss to move you?" "Are you bored over here alone?" It gets to the point where I'm ready to yell "Just leave me alone!" I'm fine right where I am and I don't need them hawlking over my shoulder trying to pretend like they can tell me what to do. I have enough bosses who can actual tell me what to do, I don't need them just pestering me...

Such pains...

Cranky Work Fustrations

The boyfriend just started a new job (or at least is on a trial run for a new job)... The problem comes when the people at his work are as fustratingly moronic as the ones I have to deal with everyday. Fustrates a person to no end. So now he's over tired and being a pain with how cranky he's been.

He's only been working a couple weeks and already the boy is sleep deprived and has no time for himself. I understand completely how nerve racking it could be when you're not being allowed any free time to just do you... (been there done that and am about to do it again because classes are about to start again). I feel bad though. He's putting so much pressure on himself and he's starting to act as if I have no clue what he's feeling. Too bad it's completely the opposite... I've been there way too many times and my life is not about to chill out any time soon.

I've kept quiet about how much work is fustrating me... I mean he's heard all the non-sense they put me through so many times. I've gotten tired of telling the same stories over and over again... And he gets so excited to rant off and tell stories about everything that has happened at his work that by the time he stops talking and let's me speak, I've already cooled off and forgotten half of what happened throughout my day. And by the time it comes my turn to rant, I'm just too tired to care...

I know he's trying so hard... But sometimes I just want to scream "Chill Out". I guess I got use to him being able to help me with everything I needed help with... Now he doesn't even have time to check this blog... I've been living on a futon for about a year now... And all I wanted him to do was check out a bed I found... I'm not good at finding the small print and he's perfect for it... And it took him almost two days to get around to looking at it. (just an example, no big deal, just no more time for me). I know I'm being selfish but I'm allowed to. I've worked my butt off for three years and I'm tired...

That's right I've been dealing with the retartedness of my office for over three years now... My boyfriend has been working with his retarts for little over two weeks... He makes it seem like I should be use to stupidity by now. You don't get use to stupid people (I hate stupid people). You get more and more tired of how stupid they are. Two weeks and he should still have enough patients for the dumb people. And I deal with two offices and a school full of morons who love to make my life miserable... Yet I know better. I keep my mouth shut and listen...

I know all he needs is support and that's what I'm here for... So I'll just have to use this as a place to rant (like I always have)...